His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
