My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize