I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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