Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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