if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
