i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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