Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
