if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
