Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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