Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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