party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
