I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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