I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
