Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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