I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
