Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
