I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
