Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
