I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
