The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
