Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
