totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
