I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize