She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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