Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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