Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
