i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
