She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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