I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
