this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
