he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
