Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
