Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
