Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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