one might say we're banned from that church
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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