clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
