ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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