I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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