I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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