Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
