Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
