It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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