Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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