oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
