I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
