someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
