I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
