i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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