Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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