What did we do last night that was yellow?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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