yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
