He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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