This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
