I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
