You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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