once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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